The predictable chaos, learning, stability cycle

Growth and learning is change and change comes from a state of chaos and ends in a state of stability. T. Berry Brazelton, the well-known pediatrician, describes these learning cycles as "touchpoints". To visualize this cycle, imagine a clock face. At the 12 is “Chaos” the child's behavior becomes unpredictable, previously held patterns are temporary abandoned. At the 4:00 spot is the learning phase. The child masters rolling over, smiling, walking, speaking. Now at the 8:00 spot is “Stability”. The stability phase allows the child to integrate the new learning, practice in a safe place and prepare for the next chaotic phase to arrive. Parents tend to like stability best. In fact, some parents want their child to just be pleasant, predictable, sleep and eat well forever. This is not possible, children have to learn and grow. And learning and growing require chaos.

When a parent understands this cycle, they will recognize the chaotic states are not bad days, but these times are the doorway to new skills and learning for their young child. They need to support the child through these stages and appreciate that chaos is absolutely necessary for the child to take his next big steps. In fact, anticipating the next sleepless night or erratic day can be transformed for a parent from a nightmare to a joy. Learning new skills is the job of the child, this learning comes through play and is predictable.

Here is an example of how this might look:

Your 9-month old is about to start standing. This takes an enormous amount of energy, muscle strength, balance and attention. When he starts to seriously work on this new skill, he will no longer be that predictable, easy to please, regular little person. He may stop eating his favorite foods, he may be irritable with you and others, and sleeping may be difficult. He needs your love and support. He is moving into one of the biggest learning phases of his life. This is hard work.

The more your child is learning, the more frequently he will go through this chaotic phase. Try to embrace and celebrate the chaos, you will learn to love the stages, anticipate the changes and watch the magic unfold.

Defining the magic

I am sitting on the beach, taking in the patient surfers bobbing out in the swells, the young and old just taking in the beauty of the morning and I begin reading "Magical Parent Magical Child" by Michael Mendizza and Joseph Pearce, again. Somehow re-reading the classics always brings new meaning and this moment I feel ready for new insights.

After a half hour, I look back at my book, I have a habit of turning over the corner on pages that have particular meaning or need to be revisited. Of the 40 pages I have ready, 25 of them have their corners turned. This is one powerful book. Every educator, parent, grand parent and law maker should read it. But reality tells me that it is probably more likely that someone will find and read this blog, then find and read this classic. So my thoughts shift to the challenge of summarizing the brilliance of this book into a few paragraphs that parents can get excited about.

Here goes...

"True learning is play, and effortless. Learning through fear is conditioning, and breeds violence. The child plays and learns if given a safe-space. The parent rediscovers their own safe space by creating it for the child."

Sounds so simple. As I read this thought again, I look around and see the evidence of what is really happening in American families within earshot of me. A little three year old, playing with the sand, tosses a handful into the air to see what will happen. Dad grabs his hand, scolds him, tells him he is disturbing some stranger, struggles with him and gives him a "time out". The child is crying, the "stranger" is struggling for words and the dad has just disturbed the five other people within earshot by creating such a disturbing scene.

Wow, not a learning environment over there. From my prospective on the beach, the 3- year old had just found himself in an endless sand box, a breeze is blowing and the only logical game to play is "throw the sand". What happens to sand when it is thrown? How far does it fly? What does it feel like when it comes down onto my skin? Can I catch it? The "stranger" who was supposedly "disturbed", was me. And I can't image going to the beach and not expecting, in fact desiring, a little sand flying around. I, too, am interested in how it feels in Waikiki versus the hard sands of California.

So you may be thinking, "I wouldn't let my three-year old throw sand at the beach, it annoys people". Is there a solution?

Back to "Magical Parent Magical Child- "When our attention is low (as with this dad) the reflex system operates automatically (threaten, grab, time-out). As attention increases our response to the world is more attuned to the present and potentially more intelligent, less reflexive. The greater the attention, the more intelligence we bring to the moment. The important factor is attention".

Back to the beach... Dad sees the 3-year old experimenting with the sand. Sees the magical wonder of this discovery that sand is light enough to fly away on the breeze. appreciates it for what it is an "optimal learning moment" and joins in. Probably inviting the child to throw as much sand as he wants, as he knowingly moves him to a less populated part of the beach. Expands the learning with pouring sand through a funnel, seeing the difference between dry and wet sand, and letting the sand play evolve into sand castles, motes and off into the imaginary play of the child.

This is being a magical parent. going into the play with the child, giving it attention, avoiding reflexive scolding.

Conscious parenting is no harder than unconscious parenting. It is just different. It is respectful and kind. The only way we can "train" our children to be respectful and kind, is by modeling it over and over. Bribing, manipulating and tricking children into doing what you want breeds resentment and shame.

Managing our guilt

Once you dive into this topic, you will likely feel guilt. Guilt about opportunities you have missed, guilt about things you have done, said or perpetrated that now in the light of research, look punitive, condescending or just plain mean. Okay, we have all been there. Yes, you have to apologize. You have to feel sincere remorse, talk to your child about your miss steps and then you have to move on.

When I say "feel sincere remorse", I mean feel it, in your soul. One thing that children, babies and young people are much, much better at than adults, is recognizing sincerity. They know a lie a mile away. They don't tolerate lies very well and it can make them really mad. If you are going to chat with your four year old about bringing more joy into your life, you better be sincere. Not only will they sniff out your insincerity, they will call you on it. So, lets clean up our own house first, then we can start cleaning up our past mistakes.

Give yourself permission to feel the pain of your own childhood. I am not talking about launching on a full psychoanalysis of your deep pain, I'm talking about the pain every child feels when their needs are not fully met. Of course if you have a deep, dark past that you cannot remember, go see a professional and start working on illuminating your past before you pass it on to your children.

Guilt is a powerful motivator. Use the guilt you feel to motivate you to change your path, lighten your load and help your children recapture the joy.

Welcome to joyful parenting

Welcome. Let me introduce myself a bit. I am a nurse by training, a teacher of nurses by trade and a mother of three by design. Over the past 30 years I have made it my intention to seek out, read, listen to and learn from the leading infant development researchers in the world. The main topic: children, parents, how they affect each other, how parenting can be joyful, magical and the most delightful path a person can ever experience. My work has been to help nurses see beyond the "to do" lists and tasks and find the magic that is happening every day in every maternity hospital. I teach them how to protect and support families during this early, sensitive time.

It is a great gift to be allowed to study a topic for 30 years. Some would say that you become an expert. Others would say the more you know, the more mystery there is. Either way, the infant's abilities, consciousness, and ability to communicate starting at birth is a fascinating and ever expanding science. And I believe it is time we invite parents to see their babies and children differently. There is magic in this relationship that can last a life time, but you have to be able to see, feel and enjoy it.

It may require some parents to put away their desire to shape or control the behaviors of their infant or child. Their need to make them behave like adults. And instead encourage them to act like children. This is not about being a "perfect" parent or a parent with children "under control". This is about finding joy in the chaos.

The science is clear and gives us wonderful instructions as to how to bring about the unfolding of the magical child. This is the most profound work on the planet, forming the minds of our next generation. And the hard-wiring of that brain is in your hands. Parents are the infant's world and the infant's brain pathways are hard-wired to connect with the parent in ways that are vastly more complex than we will ever know. Participating in this process of hard-wiring is not an option. It will happen with or without you, but we all hope that every parent will take this opportunity seriously and joyfully. You essentially get one shot (over the first years) at setting up this little brain to trust or not, love or not, have compassion or not and intellect or thinking, we now know, is built on this foundation. Sounds pretty harsh and I can hear you groan. Overly dramatic, we all know that as adults we can still unlearn our early patterns, right? Well, maybe not.

Not just any parent should read this blog. Only if you truly want to feel the joy of parenting every day and see the magical qualities of your child. If you long for the day when you can sincerely feel confident that you are on the path to raising a child that you will find delightful when they are two or thirteen or twenty one, then this blog is for you.

The conversation that is about to unfold on these pages, is a conversation of hope, growth and requires us all to take a leap of faith into the unknown realm of joyful parenting.